Reflections

While chatting with my ever loving and ever critically insightful sister yesterday we were reflecting what the past year has meant to me. And the conclusion we reached was that it was God sent – like everything else in life ofcourse – but a bit more special J

By this time last year I had reached the pinnacle (there are many peaks in life) of my professional career and had started to get a nagging feeling that I was becoming redundant. It was my own self-evaluation though, as the others in my organization did not necessarily feel the same way. But I am a water sign and I need movement and change for survival. The love and support of my group had held me for more than 5 years, my single largest commitment to date, and I do not regret one day in that long period. That phase of my life nurtured me like nothing else in life had or ever will. But move on I had to.

This was coupled with my desire for further learning and it felt that the next logical step would be to pursue a PhD. To begin with I had a burning question that I wished to explore and it seemed that I was ready and on the right path. The next issue was whether to do a PhD in India or abroad. My only reservation in doing a PhD in India was that I knew too many people, had too many commitments, did not know how to say no to people and in such a situation the PhD would take forever to get completed as I would have to deal with too many diversions. Logically it seemed that if I did want to complete the degree in time, being focused in a new place would do the trick, and so I landed in Singapore!

It wasn’t easy at first. Getting back to studies after a gap of 6 years, dealing with modules (in an advanced state) that I had never ever learned in my life before was disconcerting, but what was most tragic was the journey from ms-know-it-all to ms-barely-know-anything-at-all. I went through a gamut of emotions – from frustration to wonder, from groping in the dark to getting excited about small victories, from always being a team player to learning to fend for myself. Unfortunately I also became a closed person from being an open one, a change that my friends from before this experience will not identify with. But I took all this in my stride, feeling as if this was a part of a growing experience, and I did get much rooted than before. I also made amazing friends who have made the journey completely worthwhile.

At the personal level too my family back home was going through path-breaking transformations and it was fascinating for me to watch it all from a distance. Earlier I had a tendency to get too deeply involved with everything, being the eldest I always had felt that I was responsible for everyone, but from a distance I realized how ridiculous my perceptions were. Thus I ended 2009 on a very satisfying note.

2010 though, till now been totally topsy-turvy. Apparently being a tiger girl it is meant to be this way for me ;) Study wise things stabilized, I got into the groove of things, was much less bothered with everything like in the previous semester and decided to keep my peace AND studies became a joy. Then love hit me – like never before – and my world changed! Though it was the shortest relationship that I have ever had, lasted barely a month, it brought with it the usual confusion. After being super careful the past decade, living happily in my ivory tower, it came from a quarter least expected and too insistent, which made all my defenses go weak. I am comfortable with men, mostly as friends and brothers, I think I get along very well with them in general, but falling in love was totally different. Tis strange how one person can totally rock your life, not that I regret it, but it did make me super-vulnerable, which is not generally me. Whatever the outcome though I have and will always believe in love J

Now back to summer it seems like life has come a full circle. I had a meeting with my supervisor this week and he tried to play devil’s advocate, basically telling me that since I am already the best in my field, if I do not want to be an academician or a researcher, PhD is not for me as I do not really need it. But isn’t this a regular tussle of life – the struggle between needs and wants – I might not need a PhD, but I do want to do it. And if not at the present school, it would be anywhere in the world. This was my immediate response. Though now I get a feel as if I am at a crucial juncture of change in my life, though I am clueless as to what to do next. All I know is that I am not closing any channels, and that I am ready to accept any change that will come to my life with open arms.

The last year has truly been God sent and I am so very thankful for it as to whatever else God has in store for me J